also,
reflecting on life.
more like rambling because i don’t remember how to form succinct blog posts about my feelings anymore…
i was going back through my fb timeline and realizing how unhappy i was as a high schooler. i’m not that far in time, technically, but i feel so different.
i was so angry.
i also didn’t care about anyone, anything.
the people i was with had something to do with it, of course, but i feel like i was smarter back then.
i had so much time to myself because i didn’t get invited anywhere. didn’t have anything to do…so i spent a lot of time with my mind. books. i thought about things i never think about anymore because i just don’t have the time. i was so comfortable being alone that i grew to love it.
now, i feel so much better. better isn’t the word. alive i guess?
now i move. i go out. i have lunch with people. i talk. i dance. it’s strange because it’s so far away from who i used to be. almost as if i have taken on a new identity,
but i don’t even know if i want this.
i don’t know if i’m ready.
this sounds so pathetic, but sometimes i’m overwhelmed by all the people. their words. the energy.
it’s worse when their energy is directed towards me. i had three people talking to me at the same time yesterday. i was terrified.
i’m alone for the first time in a long time, and i’m thinking again. i’m thinking that i’m only more alive by societies standards. i’m thinking that i haven’t blogged in a while and i miss it.
i was a loser in high school because i didn’t really have friends. there are only two people i remained friends with of everyone in my school, but sometimes i want that loser status back.
so i can get back in touch with myself.
i’m finding now that i have grown uncomfortable being alone. my thoughts scare me. i’m always texting. i fidget more. i can’t shut the computer down and just look at the ceiling.
i’m everything i made fun of when i was a loser. an empty social retard who doesn’t think.
i was an unhappy loser, but i was intelligent. i was pensive. i was keen on what was going on around me. i was perceptive. i was observant.
i’m leaving now to go “chill” with people because i officially have no idea how to stay here by myself in this empty room.
it’s early enough in my college career that i have the choice to change this: do i want to be a loser or a social butterfly?
i can’t have both.
theme of the week: straight, gay, or european?
